the good, the bad, the ugly, the life

The thing about life, is it’s a lot all at once, all the time. There are moments of quiet, of pause, of boredom, and honestly we should seek that out more often. But generally, there’s a lot going on and it’s hard to manage.

On March 7th we found out my grandma passed away and on March 8th it was my 25th birthday.

I’m learning in therapy that it’s not the hard feelings I avoid, it’s actually the good ones. Which may sound surprising.

When I listen back to my podcast episode from today, I think “I sound so happy,” and yet I just came out of a heavy, grief filled week. So maybe from the outside I am a very happy person and generally I’d like to think I am. But what I talked about in therapy this week was how I don’t let myself feel joy if others around me aren’t feeling that too. On the flip side, if I’m deep in something hard, I subconsciously expect the closest person to me to be in that with me.

My coworker said to me, it doesn’t have to be “you’re sinking on this life boat so I’m going to jump on and sink with you.” It can be, “I am on shore and I will throw you a rope, I will create space for you, but I am not drowning with you.”

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that since.

Life is about feeling all of it. I’ve been learning that when you don’t distract yourself from it, you move through it.

Instead of obsessively scrolling on my phone after my therapy session, I looked up. Instead of avoiding feeling proud of myself for the hard stuff we just talked through, I let myself sit in it. It was uncomfortable. I felt sweaty and hungry and tired but I always felt impressed, relieved, content.

Then I saw a man jamming to music quietly at the end of the subway cart. We shared a smile. It inspired me to listen to music too. Later when I was walking on the street, a guy noticed me jamming to music. We shared a smile.

It dawned on me that we are never alone. We choose to isolate ourselves.

So know that through the good, the bad, the hard, the ugly, it’s okay to feel it and it’s okay to look around and know others are feeling it too.